


Paranormal Consultation, Season One

by Eva



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Ghost Hunting, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-19
Updated: 2012-07-05
Packaged: 2017-10-29 19:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eva/pseuds/Eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Greg Lestrade and Sherlock Holmes started up a ghost hunting team for kicks, funded by Sherlock's allowance (whenever Mycroft wasn't withholding it to teach Sherlock a lesson).  But Mrs. Turner's hairdressers are getting married and now they have to make it work as a real, viable programme, or Mrs. Hudson is going to kick them out of their office.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lauriston Gardens

**Author's Note:**

> For the Gravesdiggers Potluck. I love you all. Mycroft help me.

Paranormal Consultion: Season 1  
Episode 1: Lauriston Gardens

Featuring  
Senior Investigator Greg Lestrade  
Senior Investigator Sherlock Holmes  
Junior Investigator Sally Donovan  
Junior Investigator Molly Hooper  
Case Specialist John Watson  
IT Specialist Jim Moriarty

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Greg’s Office

Text reads: GREGORY LESTRADE, SENIOR INVESTIGATOR

GREG: It was this or a shotgun wedding.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

Text reads: JOHN WATSON, CASE SPECIALIST and SALLY DONOVAN, JUNIOR INVESTIGATOR

JOHN: Basically, we’re ghost hunters. Except that only Greg believes in ghosts.

SALLY: I believe in ghosts. So do Molly and Jim.

JOHN: Molly believes in ghosts because she doesn’t want Greg to feel bad, and you and Jim believe in them because Sherlock doesn’t.

SALLY: Well?

-cut-

JOHN: I’m the case specialist. I interview our potential clients and research their stories.

SALLY: And he snogs the Boss when it gets boring.

JOHN: Shut up; you’re jealous.

SALLY: You shut up.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

Text reads: JIM MORIARTY, IT SPECIALIST and MOLLY HOOPER, JUNIOR INVESTIGATOR

JIM: IT Specialist. I keep the website running, despite Sherly’s best attempts at sabotage.

MOLLY: He also sets up the equipment at the sites. I help.

JIM: I wish you wouldn’t.

MOLLY: (pats Jim’s shoulder) You can’t do it all yourself.

JIM: I could.

MOLLY: Jim.

JIM: If someone would just let me shank Sherlock already.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Greg’s Office

Text reads: SHERLOCK HOLMES, SENIOR INVESTIGATOR

SHERLOCK: There is no scientific proof for so-called ghosts. Among leading theories for the reality behind so-called apparitions and so-called hauntings--

GREG: Enough with the so-calleds, all right?

SHERLOCK: No. Among leading theories for the effects detailed in so-called hauntings is infrasound, sound waves in frequencies below twenty hertz and therefore below the range of human hearing. Infrasound can cause blurred vision, which explains apparitions, and emotional discomfort or fear.

GREG: Sherlock can cause all the same things on his own.

-cut-

GREG: We investigate hauntings.

SHERLOCK: So-called.

GREG: (sighs) Sherlock.

SHERLOCK: Well, you haven’t any proof of ghosts yet, have you?

GREG: (loud) John asked me out!

SHERLOCK: (stammers) What--I didn’t--why would you--

GREG: (stands up) Stop acting like a tit and let’s go investigate something. For fuck’s sake. (walks out of shot)

SHERLOCK: I’m bringing white.

GREG: (off camera) Fuck you, too.

-cut-

SHERLOCK: So. You two.

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) Us?

SHERLOCK: Obviously! (pause) Do you. Date?

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) Sorry, mate. Got a girlfriend.

SHERLOCK: I wasn’t asking you out!

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

JOHN: I was--am, I am a doctor. I just. I was in the army. And. Well, I got shot.

SALLY: And then you moved in with Sherlock Holmes. Must have made the wound seem less painful by comparison.

JOHN: Maybe a little.

-cut-

SALLY: Banking. It’s horrible, and the hours are terrible, but the pay’s all right.

JOHN: Practical.

SALLY: So?

JOHN: How’d you get into this?

SALLY: (uncomfortable) I needed a hobby.

JOHN: You broke up with someone and needed to fill the time.

SALLY: Shut up!

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

MOLLY: I work at St. Bart’s. Morgue. (laughs) Mostly I’m here to make sure neither Jim nor Sherlock end up on my slab.

JIM: (nods)

-cut-

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Alley

GREG: Sherlock and I are full-time; John and Jim, too. Everyone else donates time. It’s good, though. (looks hopeful) Either of you have a cigarette? (pause) Damn.

-cut-

GREG: Sherlock’s got a thing for his flatmate, but John and I are--well. I guess you could call it dating. Mostly it’s falling on a flat surface and making out. What?

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) I said, isn’t that what dating is?

GREG: I thought you were supposed to, you know, meet each other’s family or go on long walks or something.

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) If it’s serious.

GREG: Oh, good. (pause) Is it bad if I’m forty-six and not serious?

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) Not if you’re you.

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) It would be a fucking crime if you settled down.

GREG: All right then.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

JOHN: (on phone) Okay, yes. Thank you. (hangs up, grins) We got one.

-cut-

Exterior: an old, decrepit building, abandoned for some time. Empty street.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

JOHN: Number three, Lauriston Gardens. There was a murder there something like a hundred years ago, a Mr. E. J. Drebber.

SHERLOCK: (sits up straight) A good murder?

GREG: Hush, you.

JOHN: The flat was rented out for a while, but it’s been sitting empty for the past couple of years. There are supposed to be noises, footsteps up and down the stairs, sort of thing. And a man who appears at the top of the stairs sometimes, when you’re near the bottom. These reports are from the workers who’ve been trying to renovate recently.

SALLY: Sounds and apparitions. Check.

SHERLOCK: So-called.

GREG: Give it a rest.

JOHN: We have two nights, tonight and tomorrow. So!

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

JIM: (points scissors at camera) Do. Not. Touch. Anything.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

SALLY: This would go a lot faster if Jim would let us help pack the van.

MOLLY: Then when would Greg and Sherlock have time to run to the shop?

SALLY: Imagine having them sober for a case once.

MOLLY: (pause) No. It could only end badly.

-cut-

Interior: Mary Rose, van #2

SALLY: Why do we let you drive?

SHERLOCK: Why did he take that turn?

JOHN: Because he knows where we’re going, and we’re supposed to follow?

-cut-

Exterior: Lauriston Gardens

GREG: (leaning on Lusitania, van #1) Tell him to go left. Tell him not to argue. Left!

MOLLY: It gives Jim time to set up, anyway.

-cut-

Exterior: Lauriston Gardens  
Decrepit building, empty street. Night.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor

Text reads: JENNIFER WILSON, LANDLADY

JENNIFER: I can’t insure it worth the money it would take to burn it down.

GREG: Matches don’t cost much.

JENNIFER: I know.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor command centre

A folding table is set up in the main room, which is otherwise empty. One laptop computer is up and running, with two long USB cables leading out of the room. Also on the table are two handheld voice recorders, two handheld video cameras, two small cameras, and one EMF meter.

JIM: Camera one focused on the main room of the second storey; camera two on the top of the steps. We’re beautiful. Where the hell is my iPod?

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor command centre

GREG: Glad you could make it.

SHERLOCK: Shut up.

JOHN: Teams?

MOLLY: Command center!

SALLY: Boss!

SHERLOCK: No. I’m with Lestrade.

JOHN: Can, um. Can I be with Greg?

SALLY and SHERLOCK: No.

GREG: (sighs)

JOHN: No, of course not.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Second storey, main room

GREG: You did bring white, you bastard.

SHERLOCK: I didn’t plan to share.

GREG: Oh, come off it!

SHERLOCK: You knew I liked him!

GREG: I did--you what?

SHERLOCK: What.

GREG: You don’t like anyone.

SHERLOCK: Shut up.

GREG: I’ve known you almost ten years. You’ve never dated anyone.

SHERLOCK: (disgusted noise) Dating.

GREG: I’m literally the easiest bloke in London and you slept with me only three times. And only because there was just the one bed; otherwise I know you wouldn’t have bothered.

SHERLOCK: (opens bottle) Do you have a glass?

GREG: No. (pause) I have crazy straws.

SHERLOCK: John deserves better.

GREG: I’m going to punch you.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
First storey, main room

SALLY: So, EVP. Electronic voice phenomenon. Basically, sometimes a ghost’s voice turns up on tape when you didn’t hear it at the time, so you ask questions and record it. John, please demonstrate.

JOHN: (holds up voice recorder) Is there anyone with us tonight?

SALLY: Anyone who wants to have a little chat?

JOHN: Detective Inspector Sally Donovan, on the case.

SALLY: I would be a great Detective Inspector, thank you very much.

JOHN: You’d get busted for abuse of power almost immediately.

SALLY: Would not!

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Second storey, main room

GREG: See, here’s the thing.

SHERLOCK: I don’t want to see the thing.

GREG: But there’s a thing! There is a thing.

SHERLOCK: Keep it to yourself.

GREG: That’s exactly what you’re telling me I am not to do.

SHERLOCK: (pause) No?

GREG: (takes a long sip from the crazy straw) Yes.

SHERLOCK: You’re trying to tell me that you and John fuck all the time.

GREG: Not all the time.

SHERLOCK: Nearly.

GREG: Not, for instance, when we are cuddling.

SHERLOCK: I’m going to be sick.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
First storey, main room

JOHN: Another sign of a haunting is sudden cold for no reason, for example, drafts.

SALLY: Or people sticking their cold hands in your trousers.

JOHN: Does Sherlock do that to you, too?

SALLY: Sherlock does that to everyone.

JOHN: (pause) Oh. (turns to camera) Er. Ghosts are supposed to, um, draw the heat out of the air as energy and does he really? (to Sally) Because he doesn’t do it to me.

SALLY: But you said “you, too.”

JOHN: Well, he does it to Greg.

SALLY: He does it to Jim, even.

JOHN: Oh. (turns to camera) Also they can drain the energy out of batteries, so if you have a fully charged camera battery and suddenly it’s dead, it could be ghosts. (to Sally) To Jim, really?

SALLY: He’s really never done it to you?

JOHN: I don’t know whether to be grateful or hurt.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Second storey, main room

SHERLOCK: (leaning on Greg’s shoulder) I just want him to like me best.

GREG: Okay, but some people like sex, and they like people who--

SHERLOCK: Spare me the lecture on sexual intimacy and tell me that I deserve to be happy!

GREG: You deserve to be happy.

SHERLOCK: Thank you. And now I’m going to sulk. (chews on the crazy straw)

GREG: Should’ve brought my own damn bottle.

SHERLOCK: (mumbles around straw) Call Mycroft and tell him to bring tequila.

GREG: Ohhh no. You don’t get tequila anymore, and Mycroft really doesn’t.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor command centre

MOLLY: Two AM is breakdown, unless there’s been activity, but usually there isn’t so Sally and I drive everyone home in Mary Rose and Jim takes the equipment back in Lusitania. Then Sally and I meet him back at the office and head home ourselves.

JIM: (sleeping hunched over folding table)

MOLLY: And then we get to do it all over again tomorrow!

-cut-

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

JIM: Huh.

MOLLY: (looks up from book) What?

JIM: Oh, nothing.

MOLLY: That’s Will’s footage, right?

JIM: No ghosts. I think I’ll erase it.

MOLLY: Oh no.

JIM: What?

MOLLY: What did Sherlock say? You aren’t to do anything mean to him!

JIM: Why would I do that?

MOLLY: Um, because you hate him?

-cut-

Exterior: Lauriston Gardens  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor command centre

MOLLY: I mean it, Jim. Jim? Jim!

JIM: (listening to iPod, doesn’t answer)

MOLLY: I’m getting another cat.

JIM: Fuck no, you’re not!

MOLLY: Gotcha.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor, stairs

SALLY: It’s ridiculous.

JOHN: Oh, relax.

SALLY: It’s unprofessional.

JOHN: You’d do it, too.

SALLY: Don’t be so smug.

JOHN: Leisurely pre-ghost hunting make-out sessions can do that to a man.

SALLY: (yells) Ghost, seriously! Show up so John shuts up!

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Second storey, main room

SHERLOCK: Here. (hands Greg bottle of red wine)

GREG: Oh, am I forgiven?

SHERLOCK: (pulls out two glasses) For now.

GREG: Why?

SHERLOCK: Pour.

GREG: Why?

SHERLOCK: Because there’s no point in being in this ugly, drafty pile if we’re not drinking.

GREG: Whingey little bugger. It’s not drafty at all.

SHERLOCK: Well, I’m cold.

GREG: Keep your hands on the glass and out of my pants.

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor, stairs

SALLY: Oh Jesus.

JOHN: No bloody way. (yells) Greg?

SALLY: It’s gone now.

JOHN: That must have been Greg.

SALLY: Should we go and check?

-cut-

Exterior: Lauriston Gardens  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Second storey, main room

GREG: (yelps) Sherlock!

SHERLOCK: My hands are (grunts) really cold!

GREG: Oh god.

JOHN: (runs into room) Greg? What--

SALLY: (runs into John) Ow!

SHERLOCK: (pulls hands out quickly) What is it?

GREG: John, are your hands warm, by any chance?

SALLY: Was--were--did one of you look over the railing just now?

SHERLOCK: Obviously we did not.

JOHN: We saw someone looking over the railing.

SALLY: Seriously. It wasn’t either of you?

GREG: I don’t pretend to be a ghost until I’m drunk or someone’s naked.

SHERLOCK: Same.

-cut-

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

GREG: (rubs hands together) What have we got?

Text reads: EVIDENCE PRESENTATION

JOHN: Be sure to give DI Donovan a good look at the monitor.

Screen shows: the shadowy staircase spiraling up Lauriston Gardens, John’s shoulder. Then John and Sally lean into the frame, and then they run up the stairs.

SHERLOCK: Nothing. Next?

JOHN: There was something!

JIM: Not according to the cameras.

JOHN: Hardly our fault your camera angle was off.

JIM: Excuse me?

GREG: Scissors down, Jim.

Voice recording playback:

\--JOHN: Detective Inspector Sally Donovan, on the case.

\--SALLY: I would be a great Detective Inspector, thank you very much.

GREG: Detective Inspector?

SALLY: I could do it.

GREG: Well, yeah. But you’d best get started, and, er, work on the temper.

SALLY: Now--

SHERLOCK: What are we listening to? Cute conversations in the dark?

JIM: They are cute, aren’t they?

SALLY: You know, Molls, I think I may be changing my mind. Toby probably does need a friend.

JIM: Here. (points)

Voice recording playback:

\--JOHN: Detective Inspector Sally

JIM: There.

\--JOHN: Detective Inspector (muffled noise) Sally

\--JOHN: pector (muffled noise)

\--(muffled noise)

SHERLOCK: It’s probably Sally snorting.

SALLY: I don’t snort!

SHERLOCK: (snorts)

GREG: Right. Anything else?

JIM: Got a shot of you going down on a crazy straw.

MOLLY: Ooh, new stuff for the website!

-cut-

Exterior: Lauriston Gardens  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Lauriston Gardens  
Ground floor

GREG: Well, two nights. It’s hardly enough time to find out if there’s a haunting, is there?

JENNIFER: Would you like to move in?

GREG: Ah, no.

JENNIFER: There’s room in my place, too. If you’re looking for a flatshare.

GREG: Um.

JOHN: Some members of the team did experience a few scary moments, and please stop hitting on my boyfriend.

-cut-

Text reads: NEXT TIME: ROLAND KERR FURTHER EDUCATION COLLEGE

-cut-

ROLL CREDITS

-cut-

GREG: Look, look; I can get the crazy part in my mouth--

-fin-

Thank you for enjoying our programme! If you’d like to learn more, we gathered up some further reading links for this episode:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2003/oct/16/science.farout

http://www.evo.org/sherlock/london/lauriston_gardens.html

http://www.yourdiscovery.com/best_of/wreck_detectives/shipwrecks/index.shtml

http://www.sherlockology.com/

http://www.skepdic.com/evp.html

http://forums.syfy.com/index.php?showtopic=2349356


	2. Roland Kerr Further Education College

Paranormal Consultation: Season 1  
Episode 2: Roland Kerr Further Education College

Featuring:  
Senior Investigator Greg Lestrade  
Senior Investigator Sherlock Holmes  
Junior Investigator Sally Donovan  
Junior Investigator Molly Hooper  
Case Specialist John Watson  
IT Specialist Jim Moriarty  
Assistant Case Specialist Sarah Sawyer

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

Text reads: JOHN WATSON, CASE SPECIALIST

JOHN: I don’t consider myself a jealous person, really.

-cut-

Interior: Unnamed Liquor Shop

PROPRIETOR: Here, try this one, too--on the house. (hands bottle to Greg with a smile and a wink)

GREG: Ta!

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

JOHN: But Greg doesn’t know how to be, you know, off the market.

-cut-

Exterior: Unnamed Street  
Daylight

WOMAN: Hey, those are some nice jeans. Can I see the brand?

GREG: Uh, yeah. (turns back to the woman, looking over his shoulder)

WOMAN: (hooks fingers over top of Greg’s jeans and pulls him closer, staring at his arse) They’re really nice.

JOHN: (mildly distressed) Greg, can we go now?

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

JOHN: It’s a little early in the relationship to get him tattooed.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

Text reads: SARAH SAWYER, ASSISTANT CASE SPECIALIST

SARAH: It’s ridiculously dull. You should work with us again, part-time. At least you could tell us Sherlock stories during lunch.

JOHN: I’ll think about it, if you promise I won’t have Mrs. Welton.

SARAH: But she likes you.

JOHN: Exactly.

The phone rings and Sarah answers.

SARAH: Paranormal Consultation. How can we help you today?

JOHN: You missed your calling, you really did.

SARAH: (flips him the V)

-cut-

Exterior: a blocky, ugly building in daylight, crowded with adult students

-cut-

Exterior: the same ugly building at night, dark and empty

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

SARAH: The night janitor at Roland Kerr Further Education College thinks he has something for us, guys.

JOHN: Three years ago--

SHERLOCK: Attempted murder. Poison. Dull.

JOHN: (sighs) Three years ago, a teacher was nearly poisoned by one of his students, and the student committed suicide rather than go to prison.

SARAH: Our night janitor, a Mister Jeff Hope, says that students in for night classes have seen a shadowy figure, heard strange voices, and he himself has seen objects move in the room the student committed suicide in.

SHERLOCK: You’re a doctor. You can be excused poor handwriting, but not poor grammar.

JOHN: Please, Sherlock. The case?

GREG: Sounds good to me. I have a new red to try.

JOHN: (sighs)

JIM: (looks at Greg thoughtfully)

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Greg’s Office

JIM: (knocks on door) Boss?

GREG: Oh god, what did he do?

JIM: (sidles in) He’s making John upset.

GREG: (stands up) What? How?

JIM: He won’t stop flirting with the guy at the wine shop.

GREG: Sherlock doesn’t flirt with--oh.

JIM: You want this to last, don’t you? More than three months, anyway. That was your record, wasn’t it?

GREG: I wouldn’t send my worst enemy to you for dating advice. (squints) In fact, you might be my worst enemy.

JIM: Well, right now I’m your best friend because I’ve been in a committed relationship for three years and you desperately need advice.

GREG: I’m pretty sure my best friend wouldn’t set my ring tone as Spice Girls.

JIM: (holds out hands) Where’s your sense of humour, Greg?

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

SALLY: Oh, please come with! We can be plucky girl detectives. I won’t have to listen to John’s relationship woes.

JOHN: Hey! To both! You’re not sticking me with drunk duty.

SARAH: It’s your boyfriend and your flatmate, though.

JOHN: Yes, so I have drunk duty after the case. Not during.

SALLY: We can even nick a bottle of wine for ourselves.

JOHN: Whoa, I’m not taking on four drunks.

SALLY: You can stay at the command centre with Jim.

JOHN: I’d rather stick my head in an oven.

SALLY: Oh, come on, Doc! Please?

SARAH: I have work tomorrow, thank god.

SALLY: You’re no fun at all.

SARAH: We’ll go for drinks some other night. I’m not getting pissed in a supposedly haunted college building and running around with a torch. That’s not how I want my obituary to read.

SALLY: I hate to sound like Freak, but...

SARAH: I’m not boring. I’m smart.

SALLY: Boring.

JOHN: You are a little boring.

SARAH: (flips them both the V)

-cut-

Interior: Mary Rose, van #2

SHERLOCK: (throws the sheet of paper with directions aside) I know how to get there. 

JOHN: We’re going to die.

SALLY: (texting frantically) Tell... my... fish... I... love... her...

-cut-

Interior: Lusitania, van #1

JIM: And you have to stop letting people put their hands in your trousers.

GREG: Only Sherlock does that, and John knows Sherlock.

JIM: No, only Sherlock puts his hands in your pants. Lots of people put their hands in your trousers. I did just this morning.

MOLLY: So did Will. And Mrs. Hudson.

GREG: What was I doing during all this?

JIM: Not knowing your brand of underwear.

GREG: Oh, right. (pause) Oi! You lot told me it was for science!

-cut-

Exterior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 212, command centre

The folding table and two chairs are set up, two laptops are on and showing three camera feeds, and the equipment is sitting out, waiting for the investigation to begin.

-cut-

Exterior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Night

GREG: (on phone) No, you’re going to want to go right. Right. Tell him I’ll ask his brother to have his license suspended.

MOLLY: (reading texts) Sally has a fish?

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 221

Text reads: JEFF HOPE, NIGHT JANITOR

JEFF: So this is where our genius actually died, though he took the poison over in the lounge, room two twenty-seven. That’s where you hear the voices, bloke yelling at nothing, then the shadow comes racing down the corridor here, and this is where it ends.

GREG: Which room do things get thrown around in?

JEFF: In which room. You’re on the telly; try to set a good example for the kiddies.

JIM: That’ll be the day.

SHERLOCK: In which room does the poltergeist activity take place?

JEFF: Can’t say. I never said anything about poltergeists. Pretty sure that has to involve adolescents, and this is a college.

SHERLOCK: You’re wasted as a night janitor.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 227

GREG: (uncorking the bottle) Right. Um. A good red is vital to a good ghost hunt, unless Mycroft’s along, because he brings champagne. And not the cheap stuff.

SHERLOCK: Under no circumstances should a ghost hunt should be conducted sober.

GREG: God, no.

SHERLOCK: You might start taking this nonsense seriously.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 221

JOHN: He’s just oblivious. That’s all. He didn’t notice I wanted him until I snogged him up against the wall.

SALLY: If only I had gotten there first...

MOLLY: It wouldn’t have done any good. He’s gay, you know.

SALLY: No exceptions?

JOHN: Exceptions?

SALLY: Like, Molly is straight, except for Anne Hathaway and Audrey Hepburn.

MOLLY: And Anthea.

SALLY: Anthea? Mycroft’s Anthea?

MOLLY: She’s pretty!

JOHN: She’s gorgeous.

SALLY: She’s all right.

SOO LIN: (off-camera, poor sound quality) She’s a knock-out.

RAZ: (off-camera, poor sound quality) She’s the female Greg.

SALLY: What; you, too?

RAZ: (off-camera, poor sound quality) I’m only human.

SOO LIN: (off-camera, poor sound quality) And the two of them are fit.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 227

GREG: (holds up voice recorder) Any ghosts here with us tonight want a drink?

SHERLOCK: (holds up bottle) Here, ghostie ghostie ghostie.

GREG: Make a noise, say hello, and we’ll pour you a glass.

SHERLOCK: Wait too long; we’ll drink the whole thing.

GREG: Speaking of... (downs last swallow, holds out glass)

SHERLOCK: (pours wine) 

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 221

SALLY: Yes, fine, all right! She’s pretty.

JOHN: You’re seriously not...?

SALLY: She’s all right. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for snoring.

JOHN: You wouldn’t go out of your way to get her into bed, though, is what you’re saying.

SALLY: How did this turn into interrogating me on my sexual preferences?

MOLLY: But you like girls.

SALLY: Yes?

MOLLY: But not Anthea.

JOHN: I can’t believe this.

SALLY: She’s pretty! I said so!

JOHN: Imagine her and Greg--

MOLLY: No! I don’t have any spare panties!

SALLY: Molly!

JOHN: (laughs so hard he falls over)

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 227

SHERLOCK: (on phone) I don’t know! There’s... there’s cackling!

GREG: (whispers) Tell Mycroft we need more wine.

SHERLOCK: (on phone) We need more wine, fewer witches.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 221

SALLY: Look, Greg’s sweet. He’s really nice. He likes wine and he can change a tire. Anthea... has a Blackberry and oversees Mycroft Holmes’ media empire. Also, does she even have a last name?

MOLLY: So you don’t like mystery girls?

JOHN: She is a bit intimidating. Greg’s not at all.

SALLY: Yes. See?

MOLLY: Yes, but Greg’s never going to pin you against the wall with a sultry stare until your knees are weak and your hands are trembling and then bring you to orgasm with one slow, lingering kiss.

SALLY: (stunned) ...Wow.

JOHN: (stunned) Um.

MOLLY: What? I can have fantasies, too.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 227

Sherlock and Greg have pushed one of the lounge’s cheap sofas against the closed door and are sitting on it.

GREG: So much for witches.

SHERLOCK: (on phone) No, you do it. You do it! I can’t talk to you and call him at the same time! What? Of course you can; have Anthea do it.

GREG: What are you doing?

SHERLOCK: Someone has to find out if John’s all right.

GREG: Oh Christ. I’m a terrible boyfriend.

SHERLOCK: Yes, you are. (turns back to phone conversation) If my flatmate has been killed by witches, I’m moving back in with Greg. And he still only has the one bed. Why, thank you, Mycroft.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 221

JOHN: (looks at ringing phone) She’s calling me!

SALLY: (looks at John’s phone) Oh my god.

MOLLY: (hides face)

JOHN: Do I answer it?

MOLLY: Don’t!

SALLY: I would answer if someone hadn’t had me guessing what sort of panties she wears!

MOLLY: It was harmless fun!

JOHN: She can’t know we’re talking about her. We’re still recording. We can get rid of the footage.

SALLY: Why is she calling, then?

JOHN: We’ll just let it go to voicemail.

MOLLY: (hiding face) She knows. She knows you’re letting it go to voicemail.

JOHN: Do you want to answer it?

MOLLY: No!

JOHN: Okay, it’s done. God. Did Sherlock bring an extra bottle?

SALLY: He always does, but he keeps it with him, ever since Jim tried to poison him.

MOLLY: Let’s mug him.

SALLY: Whoa there, Tiger.

JOHN: (phone beeps) Oh god. Oh god she texted me.

SALLY: What does it say?

JOHN: “Answer your phone.” (phone starts ringing again) Oh god! Oh god!

MOLLY: Throw it out the window!

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 212, command centre

JIM: (on phone) What? (pause) What? They’re in two twenty-one. They’re fine. (pause) I can see them! (pause) Why? (pause) Or for fuck’s sake.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 227

GREG: I can’t make my phone work.

SHERLOCK: You can never make your phone work. (on phone) No, you cannot talk to him. He’s being morose.

GREG: I could work the old one.

SHERLOCK: It was five years old. It didn’t hold a charge for more than ten minutes. (on phone) No, about his phone.

GREG: But for those ten minutes, I could work it.

SHERLOCK: (holds out bottle) Shut up and drink this. (on phone) Oh, please. If I stopped talking he’d forget I was here; of course he isn’t worried about John.

GREG: Am I being a bad boyfriend again?

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 221

JIM: (enters the room) John, answer your fucking phone.

JOHN: Molly threw it out the window!

MOLLY: I had to! It wouldn’t stop ringing!

SALLY: Get out of here; we need to destroy the film.

JIM: Are you all drunk?

JOHN: That would make more sense than what actually happened, I think.

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 227

SHERLOCK: (on phone) No, we do not have the same aim. We have one common battle in the midst of two separate wars.

GREG: (lying down, head resting on Sherlock’s lap) Colonels Holmes. What are you fighting over now?

SHERLOCK: (on phone, petting Greg’s hair) Marshal this. Now imagine I’m making an obscene gesture. (pause) Are you imagining it?

The door opens out into the corridor and Sherlock tilts his head back to meet Jim’s irritated stare.

SHERLOCK: (on phone) We have to go. The witch is here.

-cut-

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

JIM: Oddly enough, we have evidence to review.

SALLY: I just want to let you know that I’m carrying a knife today.

Text reads: EVIDENCE PRESENTATION

Screen shows: the corridor of Roland Kerr Further Education College. A grainy shadow seems to move along the lower right wall.

GREG: Can we get that any clearer?

JIM: Sure, if we get a TARDIS.

Screen shows: the frozen image of the shadow at the point where it’s nearest to the camera

SHERLOCK: Right, a car goes by outside and creates a fast-moving shadow. 

GREG: Not necessarily.

SHERLOCK: Nothing about that looks even vaguely human-shaped.

GREG: Who says ghosts look human-shaped?

SHERLOCK: It’s supposed to be the student, remember?

SALLY: Moving on?

Screen shows: Molly hiding her face, John staring at his phone in horror, and Sally staring at him incredulously. 

SHERLOCK: What was happening here?

SALLY: Oh, what have I got in my pocket? Guess, Precious.

JIM: The background, genius?

Screen shows: behind Molly, off to the side, something may or may not fall into the frame.

SHERLOCK: That’s it?

GREG: This is almost as bad as orbs.

JIM: Last one, voice recording.

-GREG: (holds up voice recorder) Any ghosts here with us tonight want a drink?

-SHERLOCK: (holds up bottle) Here, ghostie ghostie ghostie.

 

Voice recording playback:

-GREG: (holds up voice recorder) Any ghosts here with us tonight want a drink?

-SHERLOCK: (holds up bottle) Here, (faint shrieky sound) ghostie ghostie ghostie.

Voice recording playback

-SHERLOCK: (holds up bottle) Here, (faint shrieky sound) ghostie

JIM: And that’s all I have for your creepy janitor friend.

SHERLOCK: He’s not my friend.

JIM: He likes you.

SHERLOCK: What are you talking about?

JIM: Checked you out as soon as you turned away. Really seemed to like your bum.

JOHN: You can’t even see it under that coat.

JIM: Have you been looking?

JOHN: Hey, wait a minute--

SHERLOCK: Have you been looking?

JOHN: I’m just saying, you always wear a long coat! No one can see your arse!

GREG: It is a nice one, though. Speaking from experience.

JIM: (stares at Greg) You are hopeless.

MOLLY: Does this mean we’re not doing a second night?

-cut-

Exterior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Roland Kerr Further Education College  
Room 212

GREG: We’re really very sorry.

SHERLOCK: Mycroft will pay for it.

JEFF: It doesn’t matter. The students won’t even notice. Next time, just let me know.

SHERLOCK: There isn’t going to be a next time. Your stupid building isn’t haunted and we’re going home. Don’t look at me.

JEFF: In that case, Mycroft can pay for it.

GREG: Right. How much do cheap student sofas cost?

JEFF: You’re forgetting the carpet. The whole room smells of wine. Not that the students will notice.

GREG: We’ll have our case specialist get back to you.

SHERLOCK: You are a very bad boyfriend.

-cut-

Text reads: NEXT TIME: SOUTHWARK WAREHOUSE

-cut-

ROLL CREDITS

-cut-

SALLY: Black, lacy, and they cover precisely nothing. 

MOLLY: I bet she goes commando.

JOHN: It’s not like I wanted to stand up ever again.

-fin-

Thank you for enjoying our programme! If you’d like to learn more, we gathered up a further reading link for this episode:

http://www.theorbzone.com/


	3. Southwark Warehouse

Paranormal Consultion: Season 1  
Episode 3: Southwark Warehouse

Featuring  
Senior Investigator Greg Lestrade  
Senior Investigator Sherlock Holmes  
Junior Investigator Sally Donovan  
Junior Investigator Molly Hooper  
Case Specialist John Watson  
IT Specialist Jim Moriarty

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Greg’s Office 

JOHN: (sitting on floor, back against door) We’re in trouble.

SHERLOCK: (going through Greg’s desk) No, we’re fine; there are three bottles of--there are three bottles of champagne?

JOHN: We can’t live on champagne.

SHERLOCK: Are you breaking it off with Lestrade?

JOHN: What? No!

SHERLOCK: Mycroft is anticipating that you are.

JOHN: Maybe he’s just planning to make a move once Jim murders us.

SHERLOCK: (waves hand) We’re fine. Molly will calm him down. 

JOHN: He threatened my entire extended family. With decapitation.

SHERLOCK: It was worth it.

JOHN: Only if he goes through with it.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

SALLY: How bad is it?

MOLLY: I think he’s really going to murder him this time.

SALLY: Look, I hate Sherlock as much as the next person--

MOLLY: No.

SALLY: Well, not if the next person is Jim, obviously.

GREG: (walking in) What’s--what happened? Is everyone okay?

MOLLY: Sherlock posted links to Jim’s fanfic in the forums.

GREG: I have no idea what that means.

SALLY: It means that if you don’t do something, Jim is going to murder Sherlock and John.

GREG: John, too?

MOLLY: John wrote comments.

GREG: Still doesn’t make any sense to me.

SALLY: Just go find him and clutch him to your manly chest, all right? And tell him he’s pretty.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

GREG: (peers in door) Jim?

JIM: (looks up from sharpening knife) Yes?

GREG: (stares at knife) I’m supposed to cuddle you to my chest and call you pretty.

JIM: (pause) Will you take your shirt off?

GREG: Will you lose the knife?

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

The phone rings.

MOLLY: You answer it.

SALLY: You answer it!

MOLLY: I can’t talk to people! That’s why I work in a morgue!

SALLY: I have to talk to people all damn day!

MOLLY: I’ll bring home an eyeball and put it in your shoe.

SALLY: (picks up phone) Paranormal Consultation; how can we help you?

-cut-

Exterior: an old but well-kept warehouse, completely innocuous.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Greg’s Office

SALLY: (shouts through door) John! Freak!

JOHN: Sally, we talked about this!

SALLY: (shouts through door) I didn’t agree!

JOHN: Then we’re not interested in parley.

SHERLOCK: What did you talk about?

JOHN: Nothing important.

SHERLOCK: You told her to stop calling me Freak.

JOHN: It isn’t polite.

SHERLOCK: Asking your sister to look at Jim’s sex scenes wasn’t polite.

JOHN: Yes, but that was Jim. And sisters deserve even less consideration.

SALLY: (shouts through door) We have a case!

MOLLY: (shouts through door) And Jim’s feeling better!

SHERLOCK: (exchanges look with John) Did you drug him?

SALLY: (shouts through door) We sent Greg in there to cuddle him.

JOHN: (jumps up) Hey!

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

SALLY: It’s a warehouse.

JIM: (snuggles into Greg’s arms) Fuck you.

JOHN: Fuck you!

GREG: Can we stop it? Please?

JIM: Hold me tighter.

SHERLOCK: It’s “more tightly.”

JOHN: Can’t you at least put your shirt back on?

JIM: No.

MOLLY: This is destroying your own plan, you know.

JIM: It’s worth it.

SALLY: Look, I have a job. I don’t have to be here.

-cut-

SALLY: It’s a warehouse in Southwark, shit moves around, and we’re investigating it. Hurrah!

JIM: (sulks next to Molly) I didn’t even get tongue.

JOHN: (turns to Greg) You kissed him?

GREG: Just on the head! And, hey, I heard that you wrote comments, so it’s your fault.

JOHN: (open-mouthed stare) My fault?

SHERLOCK: Champagne, anyone?

-cut-

Exterior: Southwark Warehouse  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Lusitania, van #1

GREG: I didn’t even do anything!

SHERLOCK: You cuddled Jim. I can’t believe I’m sitting next to you before you’ve been deloused.

SALLY: Yes, why are we letting John and Jim ride in the same vehicle?

GREG: I don’t know. Sherlock said it would be for the best.

SHERLOCK: John knows a respectable number of ways to kill a man, and he’s a very jealous individual.

GREG: (brakes) Tell Molly to pull over.

-cut-

Interior: Mary Rose, van #2

MOLLY: (on phone) No, John is driving. (pause) I’m holding an ice pack to Jim’s head.

JIM: Lucky shot.

JOHN: Do you want to see if I can do it again?

JIM: (mumbles) No.

-cut-

Exterior: Southwark Warehouse  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main Office

Text reads: OSCAR DZUNDZA, PROPRIETOR

OSCAR: The stuff. It moves. No one is here. But it has moved. (pause) I do not like the camera.

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) It doesn’t like you much, either.

OSCAR: Fuck off.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main Floor

SALLY: It’s all individual camera work tonight, guys. Jim’s hanging out in Mary Rose with another ice pack.

JOHN: I slapped him upside the head! What is he playing at?

SHERLOCK: I am very disappointed in you right now.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Upper Floor

JOHN: (takes a photo with a digital camera) How many orbs tonight, do you think?

MOLLY: (holds up voice recorder) Is anyone with us tonight? Not that Mr. Dzundza said anything about ghosts, but perhaps you are a ghost, and you want to talk with us? Maybe?

SALLY: I’d rather it was ghosts than rats.

MOLLY: Oh, don’t even say that!

SALLY: You should’ve brought Toby.

MOLLY: He isn’t used to his leash yet.

SALLY: You’re not seriously using it, are you?

MOLLY: Why wouldn’t I?

JOHN: (still taking photos) Because he’s a cat?

MOLLY: Cats can wear leashes. You just have to train them to be okay with it.

SALLY: Do many humans survive that process?

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main Floor

GREG: Why do you have all this champagne?

SHERLOCK: Mycroft.

GREG: Yes, but why?

SHERLOCK: Because--fuck.

GREG: I don’t follow.

SHERLOCK: (points) Did you see that?

GREG: What?

SHERLOCK: (to camera) Did you see that?

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) I... no?

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) The chair, right?

SHERLOCK: Thank you. I thought for a moment Mycroft had drugged the champagne. (drains flute)

GREG: Wait, don’t get too far ahead of me. (drains flute)

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) Don’t you want to, oh, investigate it?

SHERLOCK: (pours more champagne) Working on it.

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) I love this job.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Upper Floor

JOHN: It doesn’t matter if you’re a sailor senshi with a vagina of pure magic crystal power, you shouldn’t fuck yourself with a sword.

MOLLY: It was the handle! (pause) I... I heard.

SALLY: What. What even. I don’t.

JOHN: You knew, and you didn’t stop him?

MOLLY: We try to encourage each other’s hobbies.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main Floor

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) Come to think of it, why is there a chair right there?

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) This isn’t our investigation.

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) Because they’re handling it so well.

GREG: We’re investigation this champagne.

SHERLOCK: You don’t appreciate our methods?

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) I’d be right there with you if I weren’t responsible for this bloody camera.

SHERLOCK: (holds out hand) Give it here, then. (pause) Oh, stop staring at each other and hand it over! It’s my brother’s; if I break it, he’ll have to discuss it with me.

GREG: Yeah, let me have the microphone thing.

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) This isn’t a good idea.

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) We get the champagne, then, too. It’s only fair.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Upper Floor

JOHN: And his description of cunnilingus was--well. It was if he’d never done it. (pause) Molly, no.

SALLY: Oh no. Not really?

MOLLY: In his defense, I don’t let him. (holds up hand) He’s really bad at it.

JOHN: Practice makes perfect.

MOLLY: He’s going to have to find someone else to practice with.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main Floor

The picture is wobbly as the camera swings around, trying to focus on Will and Luke.

WILL: Right. What are we doing?

LUKE: I don’t know. (pokes chair) Are there any strings tied to it or anything?

GREG: (off camera, poor sound quality) Ask your smart phone.

SHERLOCK: (off camera, poor sound quality) Dial a clue.

LUKE: (glares at camera) Do you mind? We’re investigating. Like you two never do.

WILL: (pours himself champagne) No strings.

LUKE: Did you even look?

WILL: I asked your smart phone.

SHERLOCK: (off camera, poor sound quality) I like him.

GREG: (off camera, poor sound quality) He has promise.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Upper Floor

SALLY: Subject changed. Forever.

MOLLY: Agreed.

JOHN: Fine.

The three stand in silence for a long, awkward moment.

MOLLY: So how’s Sarah?

JOHN: She has a new boyfriend.

MOLLY: Oh? Is he nice?

JOHN: He knows how to give head.

MOLLY: Shut up!

SALLY: (laughs so hard she almost falls over)

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main floor

LUKE: (shifting chair back and forth) No, see, it makes a scraping noise if you move it.

WILL: Could’ve been lost in the conversation.

SHERLOCK: (off camera, poor sound quality) If you hadn’t moved it, you could have checked the floor and looked for any shifting of dirt or dust.

GREG: (off camera, poor sound quality) Bit late now, of course.

LUKE: So that comment wasn’t actually helpful.

SHERLOCK: (off camera, poor sound quality) Nor was it intended to be.

GREG: (off camera, poor sound quality) Having some trouble with the investigation, are we?

WILL: I felt a lot safer behind the camera.

LUKE: The chair moved, all right? It did. I saw it!

SHERLOCK: (off camera, poor sound quality) Kids these days.

GREG: (off camera, poor sound quality) Seeing ghosts everywhere they look.

LUKE: So what happened, then?

SHERLOCK: (off camera, poor sound quality) I’m so glad you asked.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Upper Floor

SALLY: What was that?

JOHN: Hm?

MOLLY: Something’s scraping.

SALLY: Hush!

JOHN: (listens intently) Over by the third office, I think. Come on!

The three walk quietly down the narrow corridor leading along the offices on the upper floor. The third office is the farthest, and the door is open.

MOLLY: (whispers) I think I might scream a little if anything’s moving. Fair warning.

SALLY: (whispers) I think I might, too.

JOHN: (whispers) Just as long as you do it loud enough to drown me out.

SALLY: (whispers) Deal. But you have to go in first.

JOHN: (whispers) What?

MOLLY: (whispers) Otherwise you’ll be closer to the camera.

SALLY: (whispers) You want our shrieking to cover yours, right?

JOHN: (whispers) All right, all right! All right. I’m going.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main Floor

Sherlock and Greg are back in front of the camera.

SHERLOCK: No, move over a little more, a little more--stop! Perfect.

GREG: Will, you can’t have the champagne if you’re filming.

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) Please?

GREG: Well...

SHERLOCK: Don’t give into the--what does John call them? Dog eyes.

GREG: Puppy eyes. But he looks so sad. And I would be sad, if someone tried to take my champagne away.

SHERLOCK: He’s trying to take your champagne away.

GREG: What, really?

SHERLOCK: Give him the puppy eyes.

GREG: Will. (puppy eyes)

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) Oh my god.

SHERLOCK: The champagne, please?

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) Aren’t we supposed to be solving the case of the moving chair?

SHERLOCK: Will, turn the camera to me. Tada!

GREG: (pause) He didn’t see it.

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) What?

SHERLOCK: Turn the camera again. Are you looking at the chair? Turn the camera again.

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) It--oh. Oh.

SHERLOCK: The light from the camera reflected on the metal slats of the folding chair, creating an illusion of movement. Simple.

GREG: A beginner’s mistake.

SHERLOCK: A child’s mistake.

GREG: Be nice.

SHERLOCK: You be nice.

GREG: I am nice!

SHERLOCK: There we are, then.

GREG: (pause) What?

Suddenly, shrieks rip through the warehouse, echoing in the vast space.

-cut-

Interior: Southwark Warehouse  
Main Floor

JOHN: Hi. We have to leave.

SALLY: And Greg has to call the police.

SHERLOCK: What, again?

MOLLY: I hate it when our hauntings turn out to be break-ins.

GREG: Toby’s going to love this. (sighs)

MOLLY: Tell him kitty Toby says hi.

JOHN: Also, I’m not calling Anthea.

SALLY: Not it!

MOLLY: Not it!

SHERLOCK: (pulls out phone) I’ll get Mycroft to call her.

-cut-

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Main Office

SALLY: (kicking her feet out, sitting on desk) Are we sure he’s married?

SHERLOCK: Not only is he married, he’s an idiot.

SALLY: You think everyone’s an idiot.

SHERLOCK: Anderson’s worse than most.

GREG: They had a contest once--

SHERLOCK: Shut up!

SALLY: Anderson won?

GREG: Yeah. Well, it was who could grow the better beard.

SALLY: What?

JIM: (walks in) Congrats, Sal! I hear you got everyone embroiled in a burglary.

SALLY: And I heard you find massive internal hemorrhaging sexy.

JIM: It was the handle! (stops dead) Who told Sally?

JOHN: What, was it a secret?

JIM: (fuming) Was it a secret that you have enough exes to host a parade, Three Continents Watson?

GREG: What?

SHERLOCK: What?

MOLLY: Did you spend the entire night on Google trying to get revenge?

JIM: Yes. 

SALLY: Find anything on Freak?

JIM: A dissertation on the subtle differences between one hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash.

SHERLOCK: That’s interesting! That’s science!

SALLY: That’s sad.

-cut-

Text reads: NEXT TIME: OLD HALL THEATRE

-cut-

ROLL CREDITS

-cut-

GREG: (off camera, poor sound quality) Will is me, and Luke is you.

SHERLOCK: (off camera, poor sound quality) Luke is obnoxious and objectionable.

GREG: (off camera, poor sound quality) Yeah, like I said.

WILL: I don’t mind being the one everyone wants to fuck.

-fin-

 

Thank you for enjoying our programme! If you’d like to learn more, we gathered up a further reading link for this episode:

http://chibiland.windy-goddess.net/haruka_michiru.html


	4. Old Hall Theatre

Paranormal Consultion: Season 1  
Episode 4: Old Hall Theatre

Featuring  
Senior Investigator Greg Lestrade  
Senior Investigator Sherlock Holmes  
Junior Investigator Sally Donovan  
Junior Investigator Molly Hooper  
Case Specialist John Watson  
IT Specialist Jim Moriarty  
Anthea

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Greg’s Office

SHERLOCK: We were kicked out of our office for a month due to an infestation.

GREG: Mrs. Hudson’s relatives were visiting.

SHERLOCK: As I said.

GREG: I know you can be polite when you try.

SHERLOCK: I’ve already made my feelings perfectly clear to Mrs. Hudson.

GREG: Yeah, and now our rent’s gone up.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

JOHN: (sits at desk) It’s good to be back.

SALLY: (leans on desk and flips through a magazine) I don’t know, I got a bit of dating done during the break.

JOHN: I know.

SALLY: You said you didn’t mind rescuing me.

JOHN: I didn’t think it would happen at the end of every date!

SALLY: When was the last time you tried dating in London?

JOHN: Point.

SALLY: And it wasn’t every date. I had two successes.

JOHN: What, the two who ended up dating each other?

SALLY: Shut up.

-cut-

JOHN: All right, Anthea’s sent us a case. Old Hall Theatre, an apparition that appears on stage if you’re in the back and in the back if you’re on stage.

SALLY: I just can’t keep anyone. They’re either dull or ugly. I don’t think I’m Helen of Troy or anything, but I deserve someone pretty, don’t I?

JOHN: Lights that flicker, cold spots, odd noises--

SALLY: And interesting. Pretty and interesting. I’m pretty and interesting, right?

JOHN: Apparently it was used by a gang for smuggling artifacts out of China. Sherlock will enjoy that.

SALLY: I’m pretty and interesting, right?

JOHN: What?

SALLY: I’m pretty. And interesting.

JOHN: (stares silently)

SALLY: Right?

JOHN: Absolutely.

SALLY: Oh, shut up.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Jim’s Office

JIM: (unpacking a laptop and accessories) I hate this.

MOLLY: Oh, come on. It’s nice to be back.

JIM: It was nicer to be paid for doing nothing.

MOLLY: I thought you were fixing up our website?

JIM: Oh, I was. (turns laptop so that the camera can zoom in)

The Paranormal Consultation website now features, as a background, a photo of Sherlock lying on top of Greg, with his hands in Greg’s trousers. Sherlock’s face is pressed into Greg’s neck, but Greg’s face is visible, mouth open and eyes closed.

JIM: I posted a gallery. And wiped every trace of my fic from the forums.

-cut-

Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Front Office

GREG: Right, so, Old Hall Theatre. Apparitions and such. Sherlock--

SHERLOCK: Vodka, I think.

JOHN: Why not wine?

SHERLOCK: (scoffs) We’re not actors, John.

GREG: And we don’t want to be mistaken for them.

JIM: Again.

SALLY: Anthea set this up, guys. We’re not going to be sneaking around in the back during a performance.

JOHN: I don’t know if I’m sorry I missed that or glad.

JIM: Be glad.

MOLLY: Sherlock makes a... dramatic Hamlet.

-cut-

Exterior: Old Hall Theatre, an old but imposing structure  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Mary Rose, van #2

JOHN: So what is it you’re not telling us?

MOLLY: Nothing! What? Nothing!

SHERLOCK: What did Jim do?

MOLLY: I don’t know! I didn’t--I don’t--

JOHN: Work-related...?

MOLLY: (squeaks)

SHERLOCK: I’ll check the website myself. (pulls out phone)

MOLLY: (hides face in hands)

-cut-

Interior: Lusitania, van #1

SALLY: But I’m not some sort of hideous she-creature, am I? Shut up, Jim.

JIM: Why does everyone ignore that Molly and I have been in stable relationship for years? I can give good advice!

SALLY: Sure, but you won’t.

JIM: There is that.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Lobby

Text reads: MS. SHAN, PROPRIETOR

SHAN: No eating, no drinking, no making like teenagers in any sense, no--

GREG: Ma’am, I assure you, we are professionals.

SHAN: (speaks to the camera in Chinese)

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality, speaks in Chinese)

SHAN: (speaks to the camera in Chinese, points viciously, stalks away)

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) What did she say?

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) She’s holding me responsible for everyone’s behavior.

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) Do you know her?

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) If I knew her, I wouldn’t have let any of you come here. 

GREG: What’s that supposed to mean? (holds out glass)

SHERLOCK: She’s ashamed of us. (pours vodka)

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) She’s been gone thirty seconds and you’re already drinking!

GREG: (pauses) She just meant in the theatre, right? This is the lobby.

SHERLOCK: Lobbies are made for drinking.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Sound Booth

SALLY: We’ve covered apparitions, haven’t we?

MOLLY: Refresher?

JOHN: Apparitions are the height of paranormal activity, visual manifestations of ghosts. Sometimes they look like people, sometimes like shadows; it all depends.

SALLY: Ours is supposed to be a man in a suit, which is good, because shadows and Asian girls freak me out.

MOLLY: (frantic glance at camera) Ghost-wise, she means!

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Lobby

The folding table is out with two laptops set up and running, and a cheese tray resting between them.

SHERLOCK: What did you do to the website?

JIM: Looked at the mobile version, did you? I left that one alone.

SHERLOCK: Are you into delayed gratification now? Let me look.

JIM: Have at it, Sherly.

Sherlock looks at the website while Jim munches on cheese and crackers.

SHERLOCK: You’re a bastard.

JIM: I thought so, but then it turns out your boyfriends aren’t speaking to each other.

SHERLOCK: (pauses) They’re... not.

JIM: Mister Observant didn’t even notice. 

SHERLOCK: Shut up. Molly’s been looking at cats again.

JIM: What? Fuck!

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Stage

GREG: What took you guys?

SHERLOCK: (hands Greg cheese) Jim has a cheese tray.

GREG: Ooh. Ta.

SHERLOCK: (holds out vodka) Cup.

GREG: (holds out glass, speaks through cheese) Fanks.

SHERLOCK: No problem. Oh, you ate it all. I’ll have to go back and get more.

GREG: (speaks through cheese) Wha?

SHERLOCK: Back in a bit.

GREG: (swallows) Wait! You’re all going? You’re leaving me here alone?

SHERLOCK: Oh, for-- (pulls out phone) Hold on. (pauses) Yes, hello. Talk to Greg, will you? (holds out phone to Greg)

GREG: (takes it) Hello? (pauses) Oh, hi, Mycroft.

SHERLOCK: (looks at camera) You’re coming with me?

WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) We go where the drama unfolds.

LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) Wherever you go, basically.

SHERLOCK: Cute.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Sound Booth

JOHN: (holds up voice recorder) Is anyone here with us tonight?

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) You want to hear a sad dating story? As far as her parents know, her roommate’s name is Rachel.

MOLLY: Wait, are you two dating?

JOHN: Would you like to interrupt this conversation, please?

SALLY: You two are living together?

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) Her mum is still trying to get her to marry the boy next door. Literally next door; he’s still living with his mum and dad.

JOHN: Appear on the stage, knock a prop on the floor...?

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) Can we not talk about this on camera?

JOHN: Possess someone and make them vomit pea soup? I’m flexible.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Lobby

SHERLOCK: They didn’t see each other once in the past two weeks. Didn’t call, either. That’s bad, isn’t it?

JIM: Why are you asking me?

SHERLOCK: Because you and Molly have been in a relationship for the past three years.

JIM: How is it that you’re the only one who gets that?

SHERLOCK: Here. (holds out vodka)

JIM: I don’t drink.

SHERLOCK: I’m not leaving until you’ve explained to me what’s happening with John and Lestrade in a way that makes sense. You’re going to want this.

JIM: (takes bottle, swigs) Fuck, that’s awful.

SHERLOCK: Why isn’t it working out? They were all over each other. They were having sex constantly. It was like a nature programme.

JIM: (takes another swig)

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Last Row

MOLLY: Is anyone with us tonight?

SALLY: You know what? I don’t care. I just don’t care.

JOHN: We can tell.

SALLY: I just need a break, I think. I’m burnt out. I need to regroup, and just. Be by myself a little longer.

MOLLY: Why are you here? Why are you wearing a suit?

JOHN: That’s settled, then.

SALLY: (loud) I’m sorry that I’m asking you to support me as a friend! It’s not like I’m cutting into the time you’ve set aside for dealing with your problems with Greg!

MOLLY: Sally!

SALLY: (quiet) And I’m sorry I said that.

JOHN: (stares straight ahead) If anyone is here with us, now would be a great time to say hello.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Lobby

JIM: (slurred) Well they want different things, don’t they. John wants a relation... rela-- thing, and Greg wants, he wants, he likes things where they are.

SHERLOCK: (reaches for vodka bottle) They have a relationship, though. 

JIM: (slaps Sherlock’s hand) No! He wants, he wants living together and, and curtains. Greg wants things to stay. The. Same. He’s comfortable.

SHERLOCK: I’ve never been sober for an investigation before. This is boring. (points at laptop screen) What’s happening there?

JIM: John wants, he likes, he’s jealous. Right? Not bad jealous, not really? But he wants, thing. Special conf. Considering? Consideration. Wants Greg to want him, most. Best. But Greg’s not, he’s. He doesn’t want. Someone to complete him. He’s complete. John wants someone. Thing.

SHERLOCK: Is that Lestrade?

JIM: This shit is foul. (drops bottle to the floor)

SHERLOCK: (jumps up) What are you doing?

JIM: (stands) I’m gonna sleep in the van.

Jim lies down on the floor as Sherlock tries to rescue the vodka.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Last Row

JOHN: Look! There’s someone on stage!

MOLLY: Apparition?

SHERLOCK: (distant, poor sound quality) Lestrade?

SALLY: Sherlock?

SHERLOCK: (distant, poor sound quality) Have you seen Lestrade?

MOLLY: You lost him?

SALLY: Did the Phantom of the Opera snatch him?

JOHN: Oh, for Christ’s sake.

The camera zooms to show more clearly Sherlock’s petulant scowl, and the camera crew following him. Will waves.

-cut-

The group has convened on stage. 

MOLLY: It’s close to breakdown, anyway. We can turn on all the lights and search.

SHERLOCK: Lestrade and Jim are the only ones who know how to get the power back.

JOHN: What happened to Jim?

SHERLOCK: Half a bottle of vodka.

MOLLY: What?

Anthea strides in, heels clacking, looking irritated.

SHERLOCK: What the hell are you doing here?

ANTHEA: Greg is stuck in a props cupboard. We think. The phone died before he could be sure.

JOHN: (covers face with hand) Christ.

-cut-

Exterior: Old Hall Theatre  
Night

Molly and John carry Jim into Mary Rose as Sherlock pushes Greg to Lusitania. Sally and Anthea look on.

SHERLOCK: I’m sober. I get to drive.

GREG: You can’t drive my van. Lucy’s my van. You drive your own van.

SHERLOCK: Shut up and give me the keys.

GREG: You can’t drive her! Sally can drive her. 

SHERLOCK: It’s a van. It doesn’t have a gender.

GREG: Don’t talk about her like that.

SALLY: Thanks for finding him for us.

ANTHEA: (types on Blackberry) It’s the job.

SALLY: You do it well.

ANTHEA: (types) Yes.

SALLY: Yeah. Well. (pause) Night, then.

ANTHEA: Mm.

SALLY: (walks to Lusitania, mutters) Be a little more desperate, Sal. God.

-cut-

Exterior: Old Hall Theatre  
Daylight

-cut-

Exterior: Old Hall Theatre  
Night

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Lobby

JIM: If I so much as look at a bottle of alcohol again, promise me you’ll kill me.

MOLLY: There, there.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Stage

Greg and Sherlock sit with their legs dangling over the edge of the stage, each with their own bottle of vodka.

SHERLOCK: All the world’s a stage.

GREG: And... we are merely players?

SHERLOCK: Wrong.

GREG: Forgive me, Shakespeare. (pause) Ha, Sherlock Shakespeare. That would’ve been unfortunate.

SHERLOCK: How did you get stuck in the props cupboard?

GREG: I was looking for a charger.

SHERLOCK: Right.

GREG: Drink a bit; it’ll make sense.

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Sound Booth

SALLY: (fumbles with phone) What?

JOHN: What?

SALLY: I have a text. You are.

JOHN: I am what?

SALLY: No, that’s what the text says. It’s from Anthea.

JOHN: (peers at Sally’s phone) You are what?

SALLY: (texts) I... am... what?

JOHN: Think we got anything yesterday?

SALLY: Do we ever get anything? Phone.

JOHN: We need better locations. We should talk to Mycroft, have him use his clout. He has some, doesn’t he? (pause) Sally?

SALLY: (stares at phone, wildly embarrassed) What?

John reaches for the phone; Sally tries to hide it. A small wrestling match ensues, until John holds up the phone, victorious.

JOHN: (reads off screen) Pretty. And interesting. Wow.

SALLY: (furious) Shut up!

JOHN: What are you mad about? Anthea’s flirting with you!

SALLY: That’s mine to obsess over!

JOHN: Wait, how did she...? Is she reviewing the footage?

RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) How do you think all the embarrassing shit ends up on air?

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Stage

SHERLOCK: Why aren’t you and John having sex anymore?

GREG: (spits vodka everywhere)

-cut-

Interior: Old Hall Theatre  
Sound Booth

SHERLOCK: (pushes door open) We have to-- (pauses) Why is your face flushed?

JOHN: Anthea’s been flirting with her.

SHERLOCK: I ransacked her flat once. She had, at the time, two hundred and sixty-three pairs of shoes.

SALLY: What size?

SHERLOCK: Five, five and a half.

SALLY: So I should go for it.

SHERLOCK: Anyway, we have to go.

JOHN: Why?

SHERLOCK: Sally and I, and you know why. (pushes Greg into room) Come on, Sally.

Sally sidles around Greg and leaves, staring at John with wide eyes. Sherlock shuts the door firmly behind them. John and Greg stand together in awkward silence.

JOHN: (to camera) Do you have to be here?

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) Suddenly you’re shy?

-cut-

Exterior: Old Hall Theatre  
Night

-cut-

Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices  
Daylight

-cut-

Text reads: EVIDENCE PRESENTATION

JIM: Number one.

Screen shows: the stage of the Old Hall Theatre, and a suggestion of a man’s shadow, possibly wearing a hat, disappearing stage right.

SHERLOCK: That’s what I saw before you dumped my vodka!

GREG: You saw the ghost first?

SHERLOCK: It’s not a ghost. It’s a shadow.

SALLY: A man-shaped shadow.

SHERLOCK: Not necessarily.

JOHN: That does look like the brim of a hat--

SHERLOCK: A suit, the woman said! There was nothing about a hat!

MOLLY: Next one?

Voice recording playback:

\--MOLLY: Sally!

\--SALLY: (quiet) And I’m sorry I said that.

\--JOHN: If anyone is here with--

SALLY: Christ.

GREG: What was that?

MOLLY: Nothing!

GREG: I meant after Sally is done talking.

Voice recording playback:

\--SALLY: (quiet) And I’m sorry I said that. (murmur)

\--JOHN: If anyone--

\--SALLY: said that. (murmur)

\--SALLY: that. (murmur)

MOLLY: That’s a voice!

SALLY: That’s a man’s voice.

SHERLOCK: That’s just-- (pauses, gestures violently) Background noise!

GREG: (excited) Anyone think they can understand it?

JIM: Suck it, Sherlock Holmes?

GREG: Be nice. But yeah, Sherlock, suck it.

SHERLOCK: (horrible face)

-cut-

GREG: We have to go back.

SHERLOCK: Yes, and prove that your shadow is just that, a shadow, so that you can (air quotes) suck it.

SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) Please. You’re never getting back in.

SALLY: (reads from phone) Anthea says they’ve already settled with Ms. Shan about damages, but she’s not going to let us come back.

SHERLOCK: Why not?

JOHN: Well, there was the drinking.

MOLLY: More to the point, the spilling.

-cut-

Exterior: Old Hall Theatre  
Daylight

Greg is standing with some police officers, talking comfortably. DI Tobias Gregson approaches.

GREG: Hi, Toby.

TOBY: Is he trying to collect ASBOs?

GREG: No, he’s just talented.

-cut-

Text reads: NEXT TIME: BRISTOL SOUTH SWIMMING POOL

-cut-

ROLL CREDITS

-cut-

GREG: So we’re breaking up?

JOHN: I guess so. Still friends?

GREG: Yeah.

JOHN: One more snog for old time’s sake?

GREG: (to camera) Now you do actually have to go.

-fin-


End file.
